And jokes
What’s the difference between a gun and liberals?
Guns only have one trigger.
What does a paleontologist and woke people have in common?
They both enjoy digging up the past.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because they had a fight, and 2021.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon....I'll let you know.
I asked my wife if I was the only one she slept with. She said yes—the others were 7's and 8's.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
What’s one thing you can say during a wedding and in bed?
I didn’t know we were having seafood tonight!
What’s one thing you can say during family dinner and in bed?
"Will there be seconds?"
What’s something you can say in a grocery store and in bed?
"Thanks for coming."
What do alcoholics and amputees have in common?
They are both legless.
Know your ABCs! Assholes, bitches, and cocaine!
What do orgasms and impulses have in common?
I don’t care if they have either of them.
What’s the difference between a Black man and a Jew?
One was born burnt.
What is the difference between white people and coal?
It’s bad for the environment to burn coal.
Theory is when you know everything but nothing works.
Practice is when everything works but no one knows why.
In our lab, theory and practice are combined: Nothing works and no one knows why.