And jokes
If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives? -- America.
What is black and sits at the top of the stairs? -- Steven Hawking after a house fire.
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
Yo mama is so fat, a rogue shadowstepped her and got a loading screen.
Chuck Norris threw one Pokéball and caught 'em all.
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to straighten her pubic hair and burned her balls.
Yo mama so stupid, she hides behind a glass door when playing hide and seek.
A programmer and his wife.
She says, "We're out of bread. Please go to the grocery store and buy one. And if they've got eggs, get six."
After a while, he's back with six loaves of bread.
The wife asks, "Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?"
He replies, "They had eggs."
Your mom finds a mirror on the scrapyard and says, "I would have thrown away a picture like that, too!"
A vampire walks into a bar and orders a cup of hot water. The bartender asks, "I thought you guys only drink blood?"
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, "I'm making tea."
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Yo mama so fat, she curves space and time.
Yo mama so fat she sat on an iPhone and turned it into an iPad.
"I'm sorry," the doctor says, "you have a rare and very contagious disease. We must quarantine you, and you'll only be fed cheese and bologna."
"Will that cure me?" the patient asks.
"Well, no," the doctor replies, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."
School is like a boner. It's long and hard unless you're Asian.
What do women, tornadoes, and hurricanes have in common? They all get the house.
What is the difference between a Catholic priest and acne? -- Acne comes on your face after you turn 13.