And jokes

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb? -- One. They are efficient and don't have humor.

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I'll let you know.

What do prime numbers and stoners have in common? The higher they are, the more spaced out they get.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi? -- People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi doooo.

Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Wives are like grenades. Remove the ring and boom, the house is gone!

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"

The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Some day, Canada will take over the world. -- And then we'll all be sorry.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world." Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "What are you going to do now?"

God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"

"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."