And jokes

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Confucius say, "Man who sit in church and fart must sit in pew."

What is the same with a duck and a bicycle? The handlebars--oh, except for the duck.

I heard a joke about chocolate bars, and it wasn't that funny. So I just snickered.

What has a head and tail but no legs?

A penny.

A skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer and a mop.

They have blackboards and whiteboards, but what happened to Mexicanboards?

Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exercise. They got up into the air and Jim said, "Okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want." Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, "I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire." Allyn said "What?" as he looked over at Jim.

A kid got a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. He was still unhappy.

Why?

The kid had no legs.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day.

Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

What do a bike and a rubber duck have in common? They both have a handlebar, except for the duck.

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Corvette?

I don’t have a Corvette in my garage.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal: "Does he taste funny to you?"

Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them... But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?

What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abortion.

There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"

I was trying to poison Santa, but he killed my dad and ate all the cookies! 😤

What is the difference between a whore and an onion?

You don't cry when you chop a whore.

Yo mama so stupid, when she was in court and the judge said, "Order, order," she said, "Pizza."