And jokes

So you know how sheets are always so tight at hotels?

Well I looked under the bed and there is a freaking room cleaner holding the sheets. All he says is "Don't ask or you shall die!"

Stephen Hawking tried to charge his phone and unplugged his life support.

What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies?

You can't unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the wall and got unplugged.

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One of them turned to the other and said, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A priest and a rabbi run out of a burning church, and the priest says, "What about the children?" The rabbi says, "Fuck the children." And the priest says, "Do you think we'll have time?"

What do you call a girl with only one arm and leg?

Eileen.

What's black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron!

Someone tracked down a cripple and said, "You can hide, but you can't run!"

What’s the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That it will never get old.

What does dark humor and a child with cancer have in common?

That I will never get old.

Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.

What does a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?

They can both smell it, but they can’t eat it.

I was walking down the street and saw a kid slip on a plum.

I look to my right and died of laughter because I did the same!

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common? Both of their greatest hits are "the wall."