And jokes
Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall, his mom did a terri-fried call.
He got hurt in a egg-cident, and it never got eggs-elent.
When the eggs-plant was over, he got told to use the mower.
It happened too fast, he watched the very last.
Next he died, eaten all fried.
What was Stephen Hawking's favorite shampoo?
Head and Shoulders.
What is black, white, and red all over?
My third wife.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
What does your first football game and your first time having sex have in common?
You were bloody and battered but at least your dad came.
What's the difference between Stephen Hawking and a baby? The baby is still alive.
When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"
What's green and furry?
Fiona from Shrek.
One day a boy asks his grandfather for some money, and the grandpa says, “Well, can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy replied, “No.” So the grandpa says, “Okay,” and leaves it at that and walks off.
A few years later, the boy asks his grandfather for some money again, and his grandfather once again asks, “Can your dick touch your asshole?” To which the boy proudly says, “Yes, it can.” To which the grandpa says, “Good, now go fuck yourself.”
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
You know you trip and fall. Here is the funny joke: Did you have a nice trip?
The Smithsonian has 3 notable articles of clothing on display: Mr. Rodger's sweater, Jerry Seinfeld's puffy shirt, and Stephen Hawking's drool rag.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Answer: cancer.
What's the difference between a snowman and a snowgirl?
Snowballs.
How to decorate a wall:
Strip off the paper and original plaster.
Put on fresh plaster and wallpaper.
Paint it (if you want).
Send a bill to North America and wait patiently for a reply.
Did you hear about the guy that was cutting off people's feet and taking them?
It took my sole.
Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."
Why is it that when Donald Trump and Melania make love, she is always on top?
Donald Trump can only F@#k up.
What’s black and rings the doorbell?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Why haven't they just tried turning Stephen Hawking on and off?