And jokes
I took an Uber home the other day, and the bastard was swerving all over the road and driving on the shoulder... I said, "Who the f*ck taught you to drive?" To this, he replied, "Stevie Wonder."
I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.
Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.
There was a Mexican magician. He was going to disappear on the count of three.
1-2-..... and he left without a trace.
The fact that "Hawkins" rhymes with "walking" and "talking," yet he could never do any of them.
How were Stephen Hawking's best mates, Siri and Google?
He went too far away from the wall, and he got unplugged.
Have they tried switching him off and on again?
What is white, black, and blue all at the same time?
Barack Obama.
His name rhymes with walking and talking, but he can’t do either.
What's the difference between a chicken and a dog?
I don't know... I'm from China.
What's the difference between a car and a pile of dead babies?
I don't have a car in my garage.
Derrick and Clive. They have a song about a Dad with cancer and other extremely offensive subjects in a routine called "The Non-Stop Dancer." It is very funny, but it is made even funnier by Dudley Moore's drunken and stoned laughter through the song.
One of the best routines ever. Look it up on YouTube. They recorded them in the studio, but they are ad-libbing and extremely drunk.
Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."
When Stephen Hawking was feeling hungry, he used to call in to his local PC World for a megabyte and some microchips.
What’s made of wood and is zig zag shaped?
Stephen Hawking's coffin.
A guy walks into the house carrying a sheep and says out loud, "This is the pig I screw when you're on the rag."
His wife replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."
He says, "I was talking to the sheep."
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't we go up to disabled people and laugh at them?
My phone was at 10%, and my friend said it better not shut down like Stephen Hawking.
What's black and at the top of a staircase?
Not Stephen Hawking.
Stephen was a great person, and he will be greatly missed, but I enjoy these jokes too much to not stop.