And jokes
When you send nudes to your Roblox gf and your uncle’s phone sounds with a text tone...
What do my baby and dinosaurs have in common? They are both dead.
What's the difference between a baby and putty?
You can only eat one.
Miss Stephen likes kids like she likes wine: 15 years and in isolation.
Diabetic wives are like Cillit Bang. Squeeze them a bit and bang! The bed is gone.
What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a hostage?
I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.
A cell phone in an upscale gym locker room in NYC rings and the man puts it on loud speaker next to him. Everyone else in the room stops to listen:
Man: Hello? Woman: Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: I’m out shopping and found a beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000 – is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. Woman: I also stopped by that new Lexus dealership and saw one of the new models I really like – it’s on an opening special. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000. Man: Wow! OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jamie and found out that the house we wanted to buy last year is back on the market... they’re asking $980,000 for it. Remember it was well over a million when we looked at it? Man: I dunno. Make an offer for $900,000 and they’ll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if that’s what you really want. Woman: OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! Man: I love you to.
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
The man turns around and says: “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
Cindy goes up to her dad and says: "Daddy, can I have $100 for a new dress?"
Her dad almost gags and says: "$100! You're only 12, what do you want with such an expensive dress?"
Cindy says: "Well daddy, I'll look really pretty in it and I promise to look after it ..."
Dad gives in and says: "OK, give me a head-job then".
He flops it out and Cindy just get the end in her mouth and goes: "Eeee-yooo - that taste's like shit!"
Dad goes: "Well, your brother wanted to borrow the car this afternoon ..."
What bounces up and down at 100 miles per hour?
A baby tied to the back of a pick up truck.
Son: Mom, I did the test and I have cancer!
Mom: YOU HAVE CANCER?!
Son: Mom, as my zodiac symbol...
Mom:....
A man walked into a fleshlight and died.
What do a "transgender" woman's favorite song and his/her last online order have in common?
~they're both a dick in a box.
How do you get a squirrel down from a tree?
You pull down your pants and show it your nuts.
A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.
A young boy enters a barber shop, and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it.
Doctor: "I have good news and bad news."
Guy: "What's the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: "Good news?"
Doc: "You now have tic tac toe."
One day Johnae said, "What do you call a family outing?"
"Incest."
Low key Johnae fucks Kirby and Peach.
Why are Mexicans so bad in the Olympics?
Because all the ones that can run, jump, and swim live in America.
Zaine Davis and Stephen Hawking fuck each others brains out.
Yesterday I was fucking my sister, and she said, "You fuck a lot like dad." I said, "Really? Mum said that too."