And jokes

I like my women like how I like my cocaine, smuggled and cut clean.

I was talking to my friends and they said a random topic about cats, and I'm like, "Water you talking about?" =3

What do you call a baby with red curry fried hair?

A baby using a potato peeler and a comb.

What’s the difference between an alligator and a child?

You can’t abuse an alligator.

So a blind guy walks into a bar, and a table, and a chair.

Two men walk into a bar, and they both hit their heads.

My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.

Your mama is so fat that she doesn't get crushed by cars, she crushes cars and babies in strollers on the sidewalk when she falls and doesn't see any remains, so there is no evidence.

When I was in high school, me and my friends would play with this girl who had Down syndrome.

We would get into a circle around her and say, "Nightmare, nightmare!"

So a mushroom walks in a bar and the waiter says, "You can't be here."

And the mushroom says, "Why? I'm a fungi!"

Yo mama's so stupid she got locked in Mattress World and slept on the floor.

What's white, red, and screams a lot?

A baby in a blender.

What do you get when you cross a Muslim in a trench coat and a duffel bag?

A sad news story.

There is only one thing I have to give my enemies.

A bucket full of dead baby heads and semen so they can replenish their spawn.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I know he LCD'd them and all, but I have been tripping all day.

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried, he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed, "I want to see your face again, mommy..." A miracle happened; his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said, "I want to see you too, dad." He looked at his father's grave, but nothing happened.

Suddenly, a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked, "Were you looking for me?"

So, there are these 3 strings, they walk into a bar. People are giving them looks. The small chap is your typical thin cord. He walks to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. He replies, "Oii, your kind ain't welcomed here, so take your drink, mates, and fuck off."

He goes back to his mates and says, "We'd better get outta here." "Nonsense," replies the mid guy, he's your typical string. Goes to the barman and same story. Finally the last guy, he's your typical rope. He burst out, "Fuck this!" He twits and ties himself whilst messing up his hair. He struts up to the barman and asks for a rum and coke. The barman does so and whilst he prepares the drink, he opens with, "Say, aren't you a string?" "No, I'm a frayed knot."

Why are most firefighters men? Because they like to find hot places and leave them wet.

What's the difference between an Al Qaeda Base and a Pakistani School?

"I don't know man, I just fly the drones."

Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland?

She sat on Pinocchio's face and said: "Lie to me! Lie to me!"