What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.
Shower thoughts
What gets long when you put it, slides into holes, and likes to squeeze between boobs?
A seatbelt.
I found out how to gain millions of followers.
Run through Africa with a bottle of water.
How are boobs and toys similar?
Both were originally made for kids, but dads usually end up playing with them.
What’s the worst thing about having a daughter with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
What’s the worst thing about having a wife with cancer? You can’t pull on her hair.
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
So, I was in the woods the other day raping this woman when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'
Why did Catholic women stop going to church?
Because it takes Jesus three days to rise.
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut, you fucking racist!
What do you call a black man on the moon?
An astronaut, you fucking racist.
How do you piss off a midget?
Give them a yo-yo and tell them to play with it.
What do you call two homeless people throwing rocks at each other?
A pillow fight.
What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.
What do you do when your cat’s dead?
Play with the neighbor’s pussy instead.
How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Because Kermit likes his pork sweet and sour.
What does a blowjob and a bonus check have in common?
Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an altar boy.