There is an upside to being an orphan. Every bag of chips is family size.
An old lady in the bank told me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I like my people how I like my tea..
In a bag under water.
My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like
Why did the twin towers complain to the pizza restaurant?...because they orded pepperoni pizza and got plain
How do you know your acne is getting out of hand? The blind start reading your face.
Don't say your life is a joke because jokes have meaning.
I accidentally drank a little food coloring last night. I ended up dying inside.
whats the difference between McDonald's and a priest
nothing... they both stick their meat in ten year old buns
Why did the emo kid get kicked out of the amusement park?
He kept cutting in line.
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
Someone told me that you can let out all your anger by writing letters about everyone you hate and then burning them...
But I was just wondering... should I keep the letters?
Why did Susie fall off the swing? Because she didn't have any arms.
Knock knock Who's there? Not Susie.
I broke up with my girlfriend so I stole her wheelchair and guess who came crawling back.
I'm starting to wish my grass was emo. Why? So it would cut itself.
Average Kid: brings mp3 to school
Rich Kid: Brings mp4 to school
Quiet Kid: Brings an mp5
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 911. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
What's the difference between a priest and acne? At least acne waits til the boy is 12 to come on his face.
Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.