Worst Jokes Ever

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

Why did Sally get a black eye?

Because she tried to play patty cake.

I like when people say they hate me because we have something in common. <3

If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?

So my friend's birthday was coming up, so I got him a new box to live in.

I can measure the speed of an object, because I want to km/s.

I got a lot running through my head right now. I wish at least one was a 12-gauge round.

Why are Deepika Amar's jokes so shit?

Because he is a smelly cunt.

At what speed is the curry going at?

In a hurry to the curry, man!

Did you hear about the flood at the circus? Lots of people drowned, and there were two clowns that survived and two nuns still in the audience.

The two clowns ran over to the two nuns, and each one put a nun on his shoulder. Then they waded out of the big top, up to their waists in the rapid, turbulent water. As they were reaching dry land, one clown said to the other, "If you ask me, this is virgin on the ridiculous!"

Bob Ross fighting in Vietnam. "They're in the happy little trees, shoot the happy little trees and bushes!"

When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."

What music do Astronauts listen to?

Nep-tunes.

In the words of Kerk Cobane: "Check this sweet no scope!"

What's the difference between you and an idiot? Not very much if you reword and post the same joke over and over.

What does the cannibal get after a one night stand?

Breakfast in bed!

Remember that 18 year old girl I set you up with?

Why not?

Too old.

Q: How do Chinese people name their kids?

A: They throw pots and pans down the stairs and see what noises they make.

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Because she had no arms."

"Why couldn’t she get up off the ground?" "Because she had no friends."

"Knock knock." "Who’s there?" "Not Susie, she’s still on the ground."

"Where did Susie go when the bomb went off?" "Everywhere."

"Why couldn’t Susie scratch her leg?" "Because it was in a different body bag."

"Why did Susie drop her ice cream?" "She was hit by a bus."

"Why did Susie fall off the swing?" "Someone threw a refrigerator at her."

Me: Have you ever went sky diving?

Friend: No.

Me: Well don't, it sucks.

Friend: Why?

Me: They gave me a parachute and I lived.