Worst Jokes Ever

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.

I'm fucking retarded.

What's a rapist's favorite scale?

C Minor.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"

Three blonde girls are on an island, and they are much too far away from land to swim. They find a genie on the island who offers them each one wish. The first girl says, "I wish I was smart enough to get off this island!" So the genie makes her a redheaded girl, she cuts down a tree, makes it into a boat, and proceeds to row off the island.

The next girl says, "I wish I was even smarter than her so I don't have to do so much manual labor!" So she turns into a brunette and makes a sailboat and lets the wind take her off the island.

The final girl says, "I wish I was smarter than both of them!" So she turns into a man and takes the bridge.

I believe "Self-Baptism" is a nice way of saying "Failed Suicide Attempt."

Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest?

Mom: Shut up and keep licking.

I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.

The Columbine High School basketball team hasn't been the same since they lost their two best shooters.

What is the difference between McDonald's and 9/11?

McDonald's has a drive-through. Twin Towers has a fly-through.

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

What's the most expensive haircut in the world?

Chemotherapy.

I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.

So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.

That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

Because he didn't have the guts to do it.