Worst Jokes Ever

Why did Michael Jackson go to jail? He was feeling a little Randy.

Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):

"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"

Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".

brb makin' tic tac toe boards on myself.

A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.

Therapist: What do you want to do when you grow up?

Me: Oh, I wan-

Therapist: Don’t say to be dead.

Me: Well, I want to be an entrepreneur. I want to sell land, pencils, oh yeah. I also want to sell farm.

What is stronger than family?

The tree Paul Walker hit.

How can you make a woman scream your name when you have sex with her?

Change your name to "Rape."

Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.

One day I threw a boomerang...

Now I live in constant fear.

I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.

What do you call an autistic person with a driver's license?

A LETHAL WEAPON!

What’s the difference between a suicide bomber and a feminist? A suicide bomber actually does something when triggered.

I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.

Why shouldn't you let a Chinese person play baseball?

'Cause they'll eat the bat!

Are you a school? Because I want to shoot a bunch of kids in you.

What do lesbians and turtles have in common? They both choke on plastic.

"Float like a butternut, sting like a bee."

You must be rich! You've got all the cashews.

Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.

The nut is so solid, it’s peanut brittle.