Worst Jokes Ever
My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."
Why can’t kids with cancer have anal sex?
Because they have cancer.
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
A hot girl wants to commit suicide and jump from a bridge when an ugly, smelly, homeless weirdo walks up to her. And he says, "Hey you hot babe, let's fuck." She just answers, "Get the fuck away you ugly bastard." The guy just laughs and says, "Alright, I'll wait down there."
See, morbid humor is just like water, not everyone gets it.
What is long and not hairy?
The conga line in the cancer department.
What’s the difference between football and rape?
Women don’t like football.
I wish I could say that my life is a joke, but I can't because jokes have a meaning.
What do you get when you cross a clergyman and a politician?
A panhandler.
What’s loud, red and goes at 200mph?
Paul Walker’s Porsche.
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All these jokes are so offensive, Mr. Hawking just won’t stand for it.
Who needs April Fools?
When your whole life is a joke?
You know what's the worst about having a daughter with cancer?
You can't pull her hair when you hit it from the back.
Next time at Walmart, I'm going to scan my wrist. They are basically barcodes.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson screwed little boys.
You have Chinged your last Chong.
What's the difference between Donald Trump and a dirty diaper?
Answer: none, they're both self-absorbed and full of sh*t!
They'll never do reverse cowgirl because you never turn your back on family.
How many kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
Apparently not 27. Because my basement's still dark...