Worst Jokes Ever

What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.

I was raped by a group of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

What does a turtle and a pedophile have in common? They both want to get there before the hare does.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

People who are afraid of pedophiles... need to grow up.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."

Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.

I have just started a sexual relationship with a blind woman. It's very rewarding, but quite challenging.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos?

Because the sign says "No Tres passing."

I just found out I'm colorblind. It came out of the yellow.

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9. The odds were against me.

What is Mozart doing right now? -- Decomposing.

I thought of having a threesome, but then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

What is the difference between American teenage girls and Muslim teenage girls? -- American teenage girls get stoned *before* they have sex.

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.