Worst Jokes Ever

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

School and Boot Camp are a lot alike. The only difference is that in school, you don't have to get deployed to get shot at.

Baby > commits start breathing.

Mom > commits abort.

Baby > commits ohshit.exe

Y'know that foundation called "Autism Speaks"? No, it screeches.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she can moan with the other.

"Hey, today was great."

"What happened?"

"I ran into my ex today."

"What's so great about that?"

"I was in my car."

What's a retard's favorite rock band? Syndrome of a Down.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

Roses are red, Violets are blue... I fucked your mother's ass, and she had you.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?

Princess Diana couldn't stop both of them.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

In America, planes hit the Twin Towers. In Soviet Russia, Twin Towers hit planes.

Kids are like a box of chocolates, they taste so good and you never know what you are going to get.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet... but only for, like, twenty seconds and only once.

So Paul Walker made a rap cover. It is called "Straight Out of Windshield."

A skeleton goes sky diving. Doesn't come back in one piece.

What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?

With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.

We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!

If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?