US jokes
My girlfriend dumped me today. Apparently, I don't stand up for her in fights. I don't care. She used to push me around all the time.
There is only one reason why I find women useful.
That is because they make sandwiches, but that is about it.
What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.
Little Johnny got a train set for Christmas. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Alright, you motherfuckers get off here, and you motherfuckers get off here." His mom comes rushing in and says, "Little Johnny, we don’t use that kind of language, go to your room and think about what you did!"
After a few hours, she lets him out of his room. He goes back to play with his train set. He takes it around the circle, parks it at the station, and says, "Okay, you guys get off here, and you guys get off here. And if you have any complaints about the two hour delay, take it up with the bitch in the kitchen."
Hey Gwen come on let's chat! We can forget about that dumb bitch "prince" and focus on us!
Gwen I set out some chats for us just got to pr!
Btw I can't chat because I lost my internet stuff, so I am using my school computer. I don't have long, but I will make sure to have some time 4 u.
Ever heard the saying white people can’t jump??
Well, I think that’s total bullshit. You should have seen us on 9/11!
Why was the piano waiting at the front door?
Because it forgot which key to use!
Your mom is so poor, she buys used food.
Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?
'Cause they were using fowl language!
You use your legs as support, you count on your fingers.
When the driver ran out of fuel, what kind of gasoline did he use? Grassoline.
"Zre, um, be careful when using a gun, okay? And meh not fat, boy."
Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)
What do whales use to rub out a mistake in their homework? Their blubber.
"AMONG US" AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US AMONG US
Among Us players after saying "Self Report!" to the police officers who find a dead body in their basement.
"Say, Tenya, I heard you say that you hate Gwen. Will [you] join us!"
Win a free ride in a police car! Just pick up a knife and use it!
Prank phone calls. I did this prank last week. I picked the not so big businesses and places to do prank phone calls: Burger King, JCPenney's, and neighbors. I will tell you what I said.
Me: "Hello, this is... Zariana and I am from New York." Burger King staff: "Well we work in Florida." Me: "Good, now I want a large cake with some salad... with some eggnog... and some baby food." Burger King: "We don't serve any of that, ma'am." Me: "And I want it to go, please!" Burger King staff: "Sorry ma'am, we don't ha-" And I hung up on him right before he could say "have." Now JCPenney's ordering.
Me: "Hello, this is Trina from South Carolina." JCPenney's register: "Yes, what can I do for you, ma'am?" Me: "Excuse me?" JCPenney's register: "I was asking if there is anything you need help with, ma'am." Me: "Sorry, I can't hear you... what!" JCPenney's register: "WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO ORDER, MA'AM?" Me: "I still can't hear you! Say that again!!!" JCPenney's register: "Ma'am, can you hear correctly?" Me: "YES, I CAN... NOW YOUR GOING TO BODY SHAME THEN I WILL GIVE YOU A 1 STAR RATTING!!!!!!" JCPenney's register: "No ma'am, I was just saying tha-" Hung up.
Next one was on my neighbors, Mrs. Jarkinson. Me: "Hello, sorry to bother you, but do you know what this word means: fhermkrekm?" Mrs. Jarkinson: "What, who is this?" Me: "Ummm... Mrs. Keris!" Mrs. Jarkinson: "So what does what word mean again?" Me: "fnjfnjrfnjr!" Mrs. Jarkinson: "What!!!" Me: "fnjefnj" Mrs. Jarkinson: SO SORRY WHAT!!!!!!! Me: "Never mind!" Hehehe! Hung up on her now Mr. Morris.
Me: "Hola Sr. Morris, que pasa?" Mr. Morris: "Sorry, what, I don't speak Spanish!" Me: "Está bien ... di que no me hagas caso, ¡solo necesito ayuda!" Btw I used a translator app and I learned really quickly! Mr. Morris: "What does that even mean!" Me: "Sí señor, veo dónde está su cabeza, pero ¿cómo se hace algún libro? ¿Me parece muy difícil? Jejejeje!" Mr. Morris: WHAT DOES THIS EVEN MEAN THOUGH!!! Me: "No señor, no se rinda en el primer intento de ballet! Debería ser fácil ... di de qué te quejas? Oh sorry I have to go!" Mr. Morris: "Wait, but what does tha-"
I bet you're wondering how I got these phone calls remembered, well I recorded them! I don't know how but I did. Btw not Spanish just learned really quickly.