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The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

Do you know the phrase, "One man's trash is another man's treasure?" Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Today, I asked my phone, "Siri, why am I still single?" and it activated the front camera.

Once there were three girls taking a walk in the mountains. One was a brunette, one was a redhead, and the other was a dumb blonde. They came to a cliff and the brunette said, "If you jump off that cliff and say what you want to be you will become it." So the brunette jumped off and said "falcon" and became a falcon. The redhead jumped off and said "eagle" and became an eagle. The dumb blonde ran, was about to jump, but tripped on a rock, and said "crap."

What's black and white and red all over? The prisoner I just hit with my car.

What is the difference between a preschool and my basement?

Little kids leave preschool.

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    • What's the difference between my dad and cancer?

    My dad didn't beat cancer.

    When you go to a baseball game and they say, "Heads up!" and you put your head up, and the ball hits you in the head.

    A man walks into a bar, and there is a line of people waiting to punch him.

    Yeah, that was the punchline.

    When you get home and see your parents with your grades in their hands.

    Twenty minutes later, they're slapping you with the belt.

    When your grades get mailed to your house when you expect to get them in school.

    When you get home, your mom is there with the belt, going 1k miles per hour.

    Q: What's the difference between a computer and an abortion clinic? A: Ctrl+Alt+Delete

    What makes laissez-faire and a gangbang the same?

    Not my problem.