The jokes
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Which days are the strongest?
Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Why is it so cheap to throw a party at a haunted house? Because the ghosts bring all the boos.
After an unsuccessful harvest, why did the farmer decide to try a career in music?
Because he had a ton of sick beets.
How do you break up a fight between two gay men?
Say, "Can you get straight to the point?"
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Have you ever thought about the fact that every market in Africa is a black market?
What's the difference between a white woman and a tornado siren?
The tornado siren doesn't get raped.
Your hairline is so far back that if you were a backbencher in class and I was a germ sitting on it, I would think that the rest of the backbenchers are seated in front of the class.
What's the difference between a priest and McDonald's? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Why did the rapper go to school?
To improve his FLOW-CULUS.
What’s one thing you can say during a family dinner and in bed?
"Where are the kids?"
What did the rapper name his new DOG?
Lil Bark.
Why did the dwarf work at Tesco?
Because every little bit helps!
What did the cow say to the leather chair?
“Hi Mom!”
What did the water say to the cup?
"Good day!"
I told my brother if he wanted to have a wonderful first day of school, then he should put a cookbook in the women's sports section at the school library.
My favorite thing to do in libraries is put cookbooks in the women’s sports section.