The jokes
Why did the Jew get an electric car?
Because he was afraid of the gas.
If McDonald's is fast food, then Dairy Queen is fast cream.
After an intense workout, I finally have the body I've always dreamed of.
It's in my basement.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off the coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who's next.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face.
For instance, when you push them down the stairs.
What’s the best thing about making out with dead girls?
They can’t say no.
Edward Robinson + Grant Wisler = WHAT THE FU**?
When you got on an airplane, the flight attendant asked which hairline you were flying with.
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
What's the difference between a CEO and licorice?
The licorice is black.
I took my sister and cousin to a sleepover with lil Diddy, who my dad's friend has connections with.
I think the experience went fine, but they were traumatized. We got what we wanted.
"You wanna play the rape game?" "No." "That's the spirit!"
What do us emos all have in common?
Depression. Anxiety. The sole desire to just start saying you wanna kys right out of the blue a lot and saying "I CAN'T WAIT TO JUMP OF THAT BUILDING SOON!" and other people say, "Idgaf, do it, all of us would be happy."
Kelly Clarkson wants to be Rosie O'Donnell so badly. Too bad Kelly is the "Queen of Incest" and not the "Queen of Nice".
(And Kelly came from a sundown town in the Deep South, and not from Long Island.)
Nah, North Korea got inspired by the fatman nuke that he also became a fatman with nukes.
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Yo mama so fat, she fell off the judgement room and broke the 7 layers of hell.
Me: Do you eat your cereal with water? You: No, why? Me: 'Cause your dad never came back with the milk!