The jokes
My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop. It went a little bit like this:
Me: Dude, leave her alone. Him: Beat it, b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me: Ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis. Him: *walks away*
So, my mom was talking to me and told me to go to the store. When I get there, there’s a sign, but then someone tells me that’s just someone with a ginormous forehead.
Why are history teachers always women? Because they like to bring up the past.
What did the customer ask when he went to the cannibal restaurant?
"Who's the special today?"
What is the American virus? Diabetes.
Jeffrey Dahmer and his mother are having dinner.
His mother says, “I don’t like your friends.”
Then Jeff says, “You can eat the potatoes.”
What did the twin tower say to the other?
"I need to catch this plane."
What if Stephen Hawking was the real Slim Shady, but he couldn’t stand up?
Which one fell first, the Emo Kid or the apple?
The apple, because the rope caught the kid.
You know I would tell you a 9/11 joke, but it just doesn’t hit the spot.
What is a four-legged animal called that can fly?
A donkey flying in the sky running away from me.
Why did the slave go to college?
To get his master's degree.
A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".
So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"
I play with balls. Not me, the girl that was "playing something."
Paralyzed Man: *gets up* I’m out of here!
Blind Man: Did that paralyzed man just get up?
Deaf Man: Did that Blind Man see that paralyzed man get up?
Mute Man: Did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Dead Man: Did that mute man just say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
“Normal” Man: Did that dead man hear the mute man say did that deaf man hear the blind man see the paralyzed man get up?
Doctor: *calls 911*
911 service: 911 what’s your emergency?
Doctor: Yes, uh, a “normal” person just said that did that dead man just hear a mute man say did that deaf man just hear the blind man see a paralyzed man get up?
911 service: *hangs up*
Why did the flamingo cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.
I want to run. I go Iran, because I RAN, not IRAN, because it’s an Iran joke about the country, not the movement.
What's the quickest way to get money besides winning the lottery?
Leaving your son with Michael Jackson.
You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are K, F, and C.
When was the last time you could see your whole body in the mirror?