The jokes
Are you twinning today? Because The Rock would be shocked!
You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."
You were supposed to be born in the tree.
The sticks were your siblings.
The Twin Towers ordered Little Caesars, but instead got Dominos.
Why couldn’t the dinosaurs talk? Because they were dead.
Do you know what the hardest part of school is?
What's the difference between a toaster and a ten-year-old Chinese girl? A Japanese soldier would regret sticking his d*ck into a toaster.
Don't turn the toaster sideways, worst mistake of my life.
What's the best way to get an emo out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Why can't Mexicans play Uno? Because they steal all of the green cards.
My mom said my sister was an angel, but when I threw her out the window, she didn't fly.
Why do most guns in America have an average mag/clip size of only 30?
Because that's the average class size in America.
I threw a lamp at the depressed kid. I was just trying to brighten up his day.
What's still together after all the sh*t they've been through? Your butt cheeks.
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he gets a hole in one.
A teenager went into a creepy house with his 3 friends. Only 2 came out. Where are the others?
(Getting brutally murdered.)
What's the hardest part about making vegetable stew?
Trying to get the wheelchair to fit into the pot.
What's the difference between a human and a potato? There is none, you can eat both.
I see 2 fighting with 3. "What's going on?" I ask. 5 responds: "The numbers are moving on up."
Q: Why can't pilots play Jenga?
A: Because they will just hit the Twin Towers.