The jokes
A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off.
The only woman to ever tell you that they loved you was your mom. (If she even loved you in the first place.)
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett? Six hours.
At weddings my mom always tells me I’m next. So I say the same to her, at funerals.
Why do so many people get charged with rape? Because they are too stupid to finish her off and bury the body.
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
What Lord of the Rings book is banned from the United States?
The Two Towers.
I taught my dog how to play the trumpet on the London Underground over the weekend.
He went from Barking to Tooting in just under 20 minutes.
How did Michael Jackson challenge the victim's parents? "Then why won't you slap my face, because I'm bad?"
The police officer in London, who used fake Covid rules to arrest a young woman, drive her more than 50 miles out of London in a hire car, murder her, and do whatever to her, has appealed against his Whole Life tariff.
He should be relieved it was only that! Could've been worse... could've married her!
Why were there so many victims in the Grenfell flat fire disaster in London?
All the exit signs were in English.
You're so bald, the reflection off your head is blinding people in India.
You're so bald, the Hair Club for Men has elected you president.
You're so bald, I rub your head to see into the future.
Why do orphans love chips? They love the family-sized ones, too!
What do emos and bats have in common? The both hang.
I have to say my humor isn't the best, but I'll give this a go.
My science teacher always reminded us about kilometers per second. Now I want to kilometer per second.
You know those credit card inserters at Walgreens? I want to insert my credit card on my wrist.
I'll shut up now.
Hey, Patrick, what am I??
Uh, stupid?
No, I’m Texas!
What’s the difference??
😂😂😂😂