The jokes
"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."
A snake walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "How?"
"What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter!"
"Did you hear about the worst zoo in the world? It only had one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu."
"A priest, an imam, and a rabbit walk into a clinic to donate blood. The rabbit turns to the nurse and says, 'I think I'm a Type-O!'"
"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had "no-body" to go with.
What would the world be like without women?
A pain in the ass.
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”
“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”
A kid asks his mom what dark humor is.
She says, “You see that man with no arms, tell him to clap.”
“But mom, I’m blind!” says the kid.
“Exactly,” replied the mom.
A cop pulls two Arabian men over, walks up to their window, and says, "We are looking for two child molesters!"
Now after a short pause, the two men look at each other, then back at the officer and say, "We'll do it!"
How do crabs honor their mom’s birthday? The shell-abrate.
How did the digital clock show off to its mother?
Look, Ma, no hands!
What's Momma bear's favorite baseball team? The Cubs.
What did the mama moose say to the calf after it got on her nerves?
"I'm not a-moosed right now."
What did the hermit crabs do on Mother's Day?
They shellabrated their mommy.
What did mommy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web.
Every time you feel lucky to have your mother in your life, what should you tell her?
I really hit the mother lode with you!
Why was it so hard for the pirate to call his mom? Because she left the phone off the hook!