The jokes
What did the cancer patient get for Valentine's Day? Candy wigs.
Two pedophiles are on a beach.
One says to the other, "Move over, you're in my sun!"
I was eating this girl out the other night, and I tasted horse semen, so I said to her, "Oh, that's how you died, grandma!"
Knock, knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
What's the difference between a fish and a car?
You can tune a car... but you can't TUNA fish! x3
We all know the joke: Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 8 9.
But do you know why 9 is scared of 7?
Because you are supposed to eat 3 square meals a day (3 squared).
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? At least it was a soft drink.
Yo mama so ugly that when she was born, the doctor looked at her face, then at her butt and said, "Twins!"
There were three babies in a mom's stomach. One baby asks, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" The other baby answers, "A doctor. I want to help people. What about you?"
"I want to be an engineer. I want to make things. What about you?" he asks to the third baby.
"I want to be a hunter."
"Why?" the other babies ask.
"I want to kill the snake that spits on my face."
Why did the Canadian cross the road?
To say sorry to the other side.
I walked into the school for disabled kids and asked them if they knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Knees, and Toes." Turns out they only knew how to play "Heads, Shoulders, Wheels, and Frame."
How do Chinese people name their kids?
They roll a coin down the staircase and it says, "Ching chang chong..."
What is the first thing the disabled download on iTunes?
"They see me rolling, they hatin'."
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? Because then they would be expect bagels.
My friend: "Ya mama so stupid, she sits on the TV and watches the couch!"
Me: "That joke's older than your mom!"
How to make time fly?
Answer: Throw a clock out of the window.
Once there were these two fruitcakes driving in their Pink Porsche. "Oh, this handles so well!" they exclaimed.
Then this Mack truck came around the corner at their stop sign and rear-ended them. The passenger said to his partner, "You tell that man he's gonna pay every single cent 'cause we're going to sue him!"
So the flamer gets out and swishes to tell the trucker to do that very thing. The trucker was a tough who said, "What do you want, wimp?" The gay said, "You just hit our new Pink Porsche, and we're gonna make you pay every single cent 'cause we're gonna sue you!"
The trucker said, "Oh yeah? Blow me!" The gay driver went "Ohhh!" and ran back. The gay partner asked him, "What did he say?" His fruitcake driver said, "Ohhh! It's wonderful, he wants to settle out of court!"
Q: Why didn’t Santa eat the milk and cookies you set out for him?
A: He doesn’t exist, you childish sh**!
One time there was a squirrel who died.
It was funny because the squirrel got dead.
Timmy goes to the doctor and says, "There's a crack in my butt, doctor." Timmy, there is a crack in everyone's butt, see?