The jokes
Why are retards good at basketball?
'Cause they dribble all the time!
Q: If George Washington was alive today, what would he do?
A: Scratch mercilessly at the coffin walls, while screaming at the top of his lungs!
How do Chinese people name their children?
They throw pots and pans down the stairs and listen for the sounds, "Ching Chong Chang."
Why did Mary fall off the swings?
She got hit by a refrigerator.
A man shoots up a school and then fakes his own death. He then later returns to shoot up the same school. He repeats the process a few times until the police catch him. When they ask why he did it, he replied, "I wondered when you would check if I was still breathing."
Three guys walk into a bar; the fourth one ducks.
Yesterday, my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. So to teach her a lesson, I said, "Just for that, you don't get any butter for a month."
Today in the kitchen, she killed a cockroach. I said, "Nice try!"
Have you heard about the corduroy pillow cases? They've been making headlines.
Who's the fastest reader?
Me, 'cause I'll be jumping off so many stories.
My friend got mad when he caught me smelling his sister's panties. I don't know why he was mad, maybe because she was wearing them, or because his whole family was watching. Either way, it made the funeral a bit awkward.
What if Stephen Hawking was the Real Slim Shady, but no one knew because he couldn't stand up?
What's the a simulation between a penis and a Rubik's cube?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
What’s the difference between a tire and three-hundred-sixty-five used condoms?
One’s a good year; the other’s a great year!
What is the best cure for aging?
Suicide.
What if you put a scared homosexual guy and an angry homophobic guy inside a stable?
Hmm, let's see, if the homosexual guy has some good luck, maybe he will meet a super unicorn and help him out to defeat the angry homophobic guy :D
What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?
Christopher Reeve.
You’re Russian when you go to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out. What are you in the bathroom?
European.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before, what can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
What is the similarity between Pink Floyd and Donald Trump:
The best thing they did was a wall.
Why are smurfs blue?
Because they get bruises all the time.