The jokes
The person who is reading this.
Things you never want to do in jail:
- Never piss off an inmate. - Don’t start fights with the cops. - Don’t drop the soap. - Don’t run away from the cops.
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
Son: Dad? Why is mommy no longer with us?
Dad: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Son: Why?
Dad: To get to the other side, but your mother only made it about halfway.
To the guy asking what joy I find in suicide jokes, the answer is simple. I make suicide jokes to cope with my crippling depression. Must be working, cause I'm still here.
What is a terrorist's DJ name?
Osama Spin Laden.
Dropping beats like the Twin Towers.
How did Helen Keller's mom punish her? She put her in a circular room and told her to find the corner.
So an orphan was crying in a corner in the dark. Then a man came over and asked, "Why are you crying?"
Then said, "Do you want me to get your parents?"
How does the Eskimo make a house of cards?
Igloos it.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
She forgot to put her seatbelt on.
Why did the disabled kid keep getting bullied?
He couldn’t stand up for himself.
Me: Knock knock.
Some dude on the street: Who's there?
Me: Whowhowho.
Dude: Whowhowho who?
Whowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowho.
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
What was the Roman Empire cut in half by?
A pair of Caesars.
What is the difference between a school bully and a feminist?
The school bully does not hide behind their computer screen.
Santa gives a boy a bike and a soccer ball for Christmas. This upsets the boy. Why?
Answer: He has no legs. The boy has no legs.
Yo mama so fat, when she sat on the iPod...
SHE MADE THE IPAD!!!!!!!
What is the one spray that can kill midgets? Bug spray.
A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"
What does Germany and the rest of the world have in common? They both use gases to poison one thing or another.