The jokes
What's the difference between a baby and garlic bread? I feel bad when I drop garlic bread.
What's the difference between a man and a table?
The table doesn't cry when I break its legs.
What's the difference between a plane and a woman?
At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.
What’s the hardest part about f...ing toddlers?
My boner.
How do you know you’ve been robbed by an Asian?
The house is clean, the homework is done, but the idiot is having trouble backing out of the driveway.
Why can't orphans play catch?
Because they don't have parents to catch the ball.
Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?
A: My dad didn't beat cancer...
My neighbor is like my marriage. They're both in the hole.
Today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.
One hot day a cow wanted some shade.
He found a tree and started resting under it, but there was a chicken bothering him. The cow exclaimed, "Moooove!" The chicken didn't move. Again, "Moooove!" and still the chicken wouldn't move. The cow yelled, "MOOOOOVE!" The chicken turned around and said, "FUCKOFF."
Why did the penguin pull out a tooth? It was Mexican.
Once, I ate a skunk. It was hard because I didn't get it down the whole way.
Two old Indian ladies out picking potatoes, one lady stops, staring at this huge potato, turning it round and round.
The other old lady says to her, "What are you doing?" She says, "These potatoes remind me of my husband's nuts."
She says, "Oh my, are they really that big?" She said, "No, they're that dirty. lololol"
What did the make-a-wish kid say to the staff? "I don't wanna go to Disneyland, I wanna live longer."
Stephen Hawking only went to hell because he couldn't get up the stairway to heaven.
I know a girl in a wheelchair. I realize now why she couldn’t do sports because the coaches wanted 100% from her, but she was only able to give 50%.
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock-knock joke? I heard he got the Nobel Prize.
Girls are like a bus; you might miss the first bus and catch the second bus.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
How are Stephen Hawking and Kaepernick so much alike? They both don’t stand for the national anthem.