The jokes

I love Muslims, they are great at parties!

They have the best fireworks.

Why did Arnold throw his clock out of the window?

It reminded him of Richard Clocks, a man convicted for knife raping his wife.

Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"

When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Two fish were in a tank. One turned to the other and asked: "Hey, how do you drive this thing?"

All these oranges, but you're still the one for me.

What's the only punch that can knock out a 21 year old?

A Sandy Hook.

What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... "How many fingers am I holding up?"

Justin: Hey.

Josh: Hey man.

Justin: Why only "man"?

Josh: It feels weird saying the r a c e y names.

Justin: I don't mind.

Josh: Okay, S L A V E.

Justin: Oh no, not T H A T one!

Children should never run with scissors, and lesbians should never scissor with the runs.

Brian was shopping at a mall. He hopped onto an escalator. Next to him were two people having an argument. Eventually, one of them pulled out a pocket knife threatening to stab the other. Brian murmured "Well, that escalated quickly..."

What did the guy with no teeth say to a blind guy... How many fingers am I holding up?

What’s worse than giving women rights?

Having them. In the first place.

Have I told you the joke about the airplane? Ah, forget it, it probably just went over your head.

Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she had no arms.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Not Sally.

Stephen Hawking has enough money to stand up, but can’t grab the money.

Yo mama so old the carpenter uses her crotch as sandpaper.

What's the difference between a baby and a ball?

If you inflate the ball, it won't explode.