The jokes
Some moving men had just begun their day's work.
The first thing they brought into the house was a huge couch.
The owner came in and asked how everything was going. They replied, "Sofa so good."
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"
A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. The bartender asks what he wants. The man says, "I would like one beer for me and one for the road."
What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
What did the triangle say to the circle?
You're pointless.
Two antennas met on a roof and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave, realizing the potential danger in the situation.
What was the last thing that crossed Princess Diana's mind?
The steering wheel.
I made a website for orphans the other day... it doesn’t have a home page.
John Cabot was the first to explore the Coast of Labrador. After he left, he realized that he had forgotten something and had to go back to get whatever it was. This made him the first Labrador Retriever.
When was the only time you could see people base jump without a parachute?
2001/9/11.
Genders are like the twin towers. There used to be two of them, and now it’s a sensitive subject.
Why did Stephen Hawking die?
He drove too far away from the wall.
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?
'Cause she didn't wear a seatbelt.
Mortar is like a woman's fanny; the more you play with it, the wetter it gets.
My tutor just said this quote of 2k18^^^
Pontypool is rough.
One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"
A depressed man was caught on top of the Empire State Building with marijuana. Needless to say, he didn't want to come down.
What did the people who cracked the Liberty Bell get for breaking it?
The no-bell prize.
Did you hear about the two burglars that stole a calendar?
I hear they got six months each.
1950: In the future there will be flying cars.
2018: Pewdiepie shuts down Shane Dawson.