The jokes
What is the reason for the first time since I've seen a lot to be desired in the morning? To you, eat ass...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get the Chinese Daily!
Get it? I don't either--I get the New York Times!
Apparently, describing the beautiful city of Hiroshima as "The bomb" is not okay.
What do a convention of nerds and Kurt Cobain's garage have in common?
There's brains all over the place.
I recently found out that my grandma died. We did an autopsy, and the results came back. They were pretty shocking.
We found out that she died............... from an autopsy.
What was the last thing on the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
...
...
Their knees.
*Ba dum tss*
A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”
The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”
Guess who dies next.
A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.
What did the diver say when he was trapped in seaweed?
- Kelp!
When I went to basketball training, there was a giant bag of basketballs on the floor.
My friend was like, "That’s a huge sack of balls."
He didn’t realize what was about to happen.
I don't like it when people make 9/11 jokes. My dad was in it.
He was the best damn pilot in Saudi Arabia.
Sally fell off the swing. How did she fall off?
She had no arms.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Not Sally.
If a man drove over a woman, whose fault was it?
The man, because he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
What was the last thing going through the minds of the 9/11 jumpers?
Their ankles.
Did you know the people in the twin towers were great readers?
Yeah, they went through 80 stories in seconds.
How does the dog dance?
He doesn't... he's dead.
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police she got mugged.
Head of Company: "We need to stop testing our products on animals."
Consultant: "Why? The shampoo companies do it."
Head of Company: "Yeah, but we make dildos."
What is the difference between the rook and the bishop? The rook goes straight, while the bishop moves diagonally.
What's the best thing about abuse jokes? The punchline.