The jokes

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The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

Me walking in to the office:

Principal: Tell me what you did?

Me: I told the special ed kid that the 4th story window was an end portal...

If an emo doesn't get better by Christmas, Santa's reindeer won't be the only thing jumping off roofs this year.

If I don't get a partner for Christmas this year, mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.

Why did the cow want to be an astronaut?

Because it wanted to see the Milky Way!

My friend and I were at the mall and decided to try on some necklaces. He said, "I think you should get the one over there." I do. I look at my friend and he’s wearing one with a little extra length so you can adjust it. I asked him, "Did you just break away from your owner to upgrade to clothes and shoes?"

Me and my girlfriend were walking in the woods.

Her: I am scared!

Me: What do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone.

What is the difference between a pencil and a woman?

At least one has a point.

What is the difference between me and food?

Food has a use.

I called my guy friend a cock-sucker the other day. He replied with, "Hey, 20 bucks is 20 bucks."

What do genders and the Twin Towers have in common? There used to be 2, but now they're a sensitive topic...

My son wore his new "Go Vegan" Hoodie for the first time today, and already he's been verbally abused as well as being punched, kicked, & spat on!!!!

And he's not even left the house yet!!!