The jokes
I slept like a log last night... woke up in the fireplace.
What did the water say to the water? "Water" you doing?
Wanna hear the car joke?
Nah, it's too fast for you.
I was walking down the street when I thought I smelled my ex's perfume. Turns out, I was standing in front of a fish market.
Why did the stoner cross the road?
He got so wasted, he thought he was a chicken.
Q: What is the difference between a pizza and a baby?
A: The pizza does not scream when you put it in the oven.
I will always remember the last noise I hear in my school, "oogga booga motherf***ers," click, boom!
What turns red, blue then white? The last person that I'd strangle.
So, I met this girl and she was a 9 out of 10. I met this other girl who was 7 years old. The 7-year-old ate my 9 out of 10 girl because 7 was a psychopath.
"I’m sorry" and "I apologize" mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.
A farmer told me that he wanted a couple of acres, so I punched him in the teeth.
How many times can 46 go into 8? Just hop in the van and find out.
The Annoying Orange called Donald Trump a copycat.
Why did Ross fall off the swing?
Because he had no arms.
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."
What's the difference between a priest and a rabbi? The rabbi cuts it off, and the priest sucks it off.
In America, there was a boy named Urhan, and he had one hand and a stump, and a girl named Handa who was an orphan. They had a trial for the Boston Red Sox, and they failed because Urhan couldn’t stump the ball, and Handa didn’t know where home was.
A man takes a boy into the woods.
Boy says:
"Mister, I’m scared, and it’s dark and cold."
The Man: "How do you think I feel? I’m walking out here alone!"
No, no, no, no. Spot the intruder.
There's no one.
Why take a nap on the toilet?
Because it's a restroom.