The jokes
Alright kids! Find a good place to stop! Then, out of the blue, Billy died. But hey, he went to a better place.
I woke up on the floor this morning. I think I woke up on the wrong side though.
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket: you can hide, but you can’t run.
My dad asked, "Where are you going?"
Me: "Back to the orphanage."
What's the difference between McDonald's and a priest?
Nothing... They both stick their meat in ten-year-old buns.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Someone asked me what the worst mistake you could make while being at work was, and I replied, "Being a doctor and mixing up the oral and rectal thermometers."
A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.
The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."
So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"
The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".
What did the blind man say on Christmas?
"I can feel your presents!"
How did Stephen Hawking become a billionaire?
He won the F1 Wheelchair race.
1: I wish my cancer could kill me quicker so I don't have to do this class anymore.
2: I'm dying, finally.
3: I'm sorry, I can't go to your party because I'm expected to be dead by then.
On a serious note, I might actually have cancer and I'm getting checks. I hope for the best :/
I hate it when people are at my house and ask, "Do you have a bathroom?" What answer are they expecting? "No, we pee in the yard?"
You might be innocent, but if you carry a large sum of cash in public, the cops won’t believe that.
Why was it so hot in a square room? Because all the corners are 90 degrees.
A man was hitting a woman with his d*ck. Someone ran up to the man and said, "That's domestic violence!" The man replied with, "No, it's not domestic violence, it's dumbass-d*ck violence!"
What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.
What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.
What's fast and almost got away?
A Mexican jumping the border.
My life, there, that was the joke.
Where did Susie go after the bomb exploded?
Everywhere.