The jokes
Why is my dick like a balloon?
The more you blow it, the bigger it gets.
Read this word:
Heroine.
Did you read it like the drug or like a female superhero?
What happens if you sit under a cow?
You get a pat on the head.
The reason Stephen Hawkings died is probably because he fell off his wheelchair, and he must've pressed shut down by accident.
The average human male walks for five miles, but the gas station is ten miles away. So why does it take fifteen years for my dad to buy cigarettes?
The number 13? Not on my watch!
What's the difference between Tyler and a rooster? A rooster says, "cock-a-doodle-doo," Tyler says, "any cock will do."
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.
So, a guy walks into a bar, and he tells the bartender, "After this last drink, I'm going to the roof to kill myself." A guy sitting next to him says, "I wouldn't do that if I were you." in which the man replies, "Oh yeah?" So, they both take their shots and go up to the roof. The guy says, "You're not gonna die, watch this!" He jumps off the roof and comes back up. The man rubs his eyes and tells him to go it again. He comes down and comes back up. The man says, "Cool, let me try!" and he jumps down only to kill himself. The guy goes back to the bar, and the bartender says, "Superman, you're an asshole."
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?
"Because he felt it in his bones?"
No,
He read the weather app, you idiot.
What's the difference between a rock and a dead baby?
You can't fuck a rock.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
What time did the man go to the dentist at? Two-thirty.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
What's the city with the fastest growing population?
Ireland, cuz it's Dublin everyday!
I bought a new shotgun the other day. Want to know what I called it?
Kurt Cobain's microphone.
What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
The wall behind him :)
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the ground.