The jokes
At first I was skeptical, but the universe has really grown on me.
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
Why did the chipmunk swim on its back?
To keep its nuts dry.
What did the cat say when she stubbed her toe?
"(Me)owwww!"
What's the difference between that bridge and my will to live? None, they're both too short.
What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.
What's the difference between a chicken and me? None, they both don't watch right and left before crossing the road.
So a woman was paranoid, so she had a dog to check to see if anything was wrong. She would always stick her hand under the bed, and if the dog licked her hand, then she was safe. One night, just before bed, she stuck her hand under the bed. She felt a lick, so she went to bed. In the middle of the night, she needed to go to the bathroom. So, she walked into the bathroom, and on the window, it said: "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO!" Then she was murdered.
The earth is not round.
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What is the difference between a baby and a trampoline?
I take off my boots when I jump on a trampoline.
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
Why did Sally cross the road?
She didn’t wear her seatbelt.
A magician is driving, but then he "turns" into a driveway.
If you get this joke, you have no personality at all. Send all the help you can get:).
So Santa fell down the chimney, but it was a lit chimney...his name's no longer Santa. It's Crisp Cringle. Pls send help :)
Someone booted Stephen Hawking offline. Maybe next time he will stand for the pledge/anthem.
What did the soldier say when he sees a terrorist in a wheelchair?
RC-XD incoming.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a child?
The washing machine doesn't cry when you put a load in it.
Roses are red... Orphans are blue... I killed the priest so I could rape them too.
Why does the environmentalist pimp have his hoes fuck bareback?
He wants to keep condoms out of landfills.
If the red house is on the left, and the blue house on the right, where is the white house?
In Washington D.C.