The jokes
I did phone sex, but I'll never do it again because last time my penis got stuck in the charging cord.
I told a cookie a joke the other day.
It just crumbled.
A man had moved to a new country with his dog and with basic understanding of the language. One day he heard people talking about a place for dogs, so he took his dog there, telling them he wanted his dog to be groomed.
The man behind the counter responded with "yes happy dog, come back in little hours." So the man left and came back a couple hours later. When he asked about his dog, he was given a box of jerky. He found out "Happy Dog" was the name of the place where dogs become food.
What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?
The wheelchair.
What did the squash say to the tomato?
Ketchup!
What is the skeleton's favorite instrument?
A xylophone.
This guy walks into a library one day and asks the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.
The librarian says, "F*** no, you won’t return it!"
What dinosaur loves music?
The velociRAPtor!
What’s the difference between a 5.7l v8 and a dead baby?
If you lift the hood on my car, you won’t find a 5.7l v8.
What is red, white, and blue and makes me proud to live in this country?
The baby in the corner I choked, stabbed, and then came on.
What's the difference between cancer and a baby?..
There is none.
Why did the man die of the actor's performance?
The performance was unbeLIVEable!
What's the difference between a yandere and a gun?
Nothing.
Flip them off the wrong way and you're dead.
Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Papyrus: Because they looked like me?
Sans: ... Sure.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it wanted to be Argon.
Why did the electron leave the atom?
Because it had its ion someone else.
Where did Janet go during the bombing? Everywhere.
What does a lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?
"Same time next month?"
What's worse than a truck full of dead babies? One alive at the bottom.
Two men are in a rainforest, and one of them is peeing. Suddenly, a snake jumps out of some bushes and bites the man’s penis. The other man says, “Oh my God, I will go to a doctor immediately!” He didn’t have enough time to load the man into the car, so he went straight to the hospital. The man told the doctor what happened, and the doctor said, “You will have to make an incision at the wound and suck the poison out.” The man went back to the other man and said, “There is no hope, you will die.”