The jokes
Sometimes you just need to take a drive through the city to clear your head.
-JFK
What's the difference between a blonde and your computer?
You don't want your computer to go down on you.
What do you call nuts on your chest? Chestnuts.
What do you call nuts on the wall? Walnuts.
What do you call nuts on your chin? A blowjob.
I broke the sink yesterday; the handle just blew right off! My dad was so mad, he blew his stack!
A boy walks into some woods with a phone, and his friend comes by and asks, "What are you doing?"
He pauses, then says, "Trying some bird calls!"
Three guys walk into a room where a man is sitting with an assortment of foods on his plate because it's lunchtime. The guys ask the man to do a favor, and he says, "Sorry guys, I have a lot on my plate!"
One time I walked into a room and I saw a man and a dwarf, and I soon found out that the man was the dwarf's father, and I noticed that the dwarf really looked up to him.
Sixty years ago, Stephen Hawking's teacher got fired for accidentally making an offensive joke. What was it? Go for your dreams, kids. Reach for the stars.
So Timmy was walking down the street with his friend Lea. Suddenly a car drives by and Timmy waves at the car.
Lea looks at him, puzzled, then later asks him; "Why'd you wave at that car back there?"
Timmy replies "Oh that was my brother, he went to the bar. He must just be driving home..."
What did the cow say to the sheep?
“Moo!”
What did the sheep say to the cow?
“That was a bad joke!”
How do Asian people name their children?
They throw a pan down the stairs.
What would your name be? Msg it to @chelsearosegraham.
What did the chef say to the skeleton?
"Bone appetit!"
So, about a year ago I was riding a horse, and out of nowhere the horse tried to flip me off it and I fell off. I would have been OK, but my foot got stuck in the stirrup. The horse dragged me along and didn't stop.
I would have died if it weren't for the Walmart manager who came out and unplugged the horse.
Dang, it got ketchup on my sleeve. What do I do?
Spread the love!
Hippity Hoppity, women are my property.
Bippity Boppity, get the f*ck off my property!
My friends and I were talking about this really ugly girl at our school. For some reason, she had the same name as me.
One day, I sit in the lounge on a chair.
What did the baseball player say to the bassist?
Nice baseline!
Q: What did the man say after removing another man's hat? A: He was decapitated.
Who are the fastest readers? Nine-eleven victims, because they fell through 720 stories in under 10 seconds.