The jokes
What did a jockey's manager say to him before the race?
"Use the horse!"
After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.
Why didn't the newest Star Wars movie start with the classic scrawl?
Because it was a Rogue One!
Where do Sith get their clothes?
At the Darth Maul!
What's the difference between a dead baby and a slice of pizza?
A dead baby can't feed a family.
What's the difference between sand and a dildo? Sand has never gone up my ass.
What do Logan Paul, KSI, and the Japanese suicide victim have in common?
Tying.
An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Why?
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Imagine the Russians showing up late to the 1917 revolution with a Tsarbucks in hand. They were late, so I guess they weren't Russian. They were probably Stalin.
How does a blind person know when a skydive has finished?
The dog lead went slack.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
Sniff a liter of petrol. You'll go back to the dream time at.
What did Bob the police officer say to his chest?
"You're under a vest."
Why did the cow not want to talk to the other cow? Because they had beef with each other.
There were three cats. The first cat said, "Meow." The second cat said, "Meow." The third cat said, "Meow meow." Then the first cat said, "Don't change the subject!"
The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.
What's the difference between your mom and your dad? One leaves your life to go get milk, and the other cleans up after you, feeds you, and does your laundry.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
What did the downs kid get on his math test??
Drool.