The jokes

Stephen Hawking listens to the song "I Am Still Standing" and cries to himself.

What did one poop say to the other poop? What's the matter? You look flushed!

I wake up in the morning and I suck my teeth.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

What is the difference between eating a baby and a doughnut?

Babies are healthier.

Why did the skeleton eat tacos?

Because he was hungry.

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

3 men go to hell. Satan says if you can question me and I can't answer, you go to heaven.

The first man asks if Satan knew how to make computers. He goes to hell. The next man asks if he knew how to make furniture. He goes too. The third man pokes a ton of holes in a bottle cap and farts in the bottle, asks Satan where the fart came from. Satan said every possible answer and the man pointed to his butthole and said "nope this one"😂

A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows. "What a cute bunch of cows!" she remarked.

"Not a bunch, a herd," her friend replied.

"Heard of what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows."

"No, a cow herd."

"What do I care what a cow heard? I have no secrets to keep from a cow!"

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent.

What did the kid say to the toilet?

"Did you order a number two because I got one ready for you?"

A child asks his father, "How do you get pink eye?"

Son, I was told it’s from scratching your butt, then rubbing your eyes.

Then the son asks, "How did I get Fungi?" As the father was about to answer, the boy says, "Ohh, so is it from scratching my stinky feet, then rubbing my eye?" ———-Fungeye

The priest wanted the little boy to touch his cross. The boy said, "It's hard." Then it shot out holy water, and the priest said, "Come again and taste the second cumming of Jesus, lmao."

I was watching my boyfriend's dog while he took a shower. I started playing fetch with him when the ball went over the balcony. He went to get it and fell 10 stories. When I looked down, he appeared to be dead.

My boyfriend loved his dog and I didn't know what to do, so feeling awful, I sat on the couch and waited for him to come back. About three minutes later he got out of the shower. He ordered some food and went to the table to eat when I said, "You know, your dog's been a little depressed lately..."

Uranus is up in the sky today.

Why did the bum get a slap?

Because it was being too cheeky.

Q: What did the little girl say to her leper daddy?

A: "Oops, I got your nose!"

Q: What is the hardest part of a vegetable to swallow?

A: A wheelchair.

So, a bear and a rabbit are in a field. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Does your poop stick to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No." Then the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his butt.

How did the guy greet his wife?

"Howdy, sister!"