The jokes
Every single person on the plane died except for 2. How is that possible?
It said all the single people died; the 2 were a couple. That's how it was possible.
Post Malone was in the hospital, but he is BETTER NOW.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
What is the similarity between an anti-joke and a clown? Neither are funny.
A police officer pulls a man over. "Hands in the air!"
The man said, "Okay."
Biggest lie ever told: it was the cat.
Fact: If you jump off a 12-story building, you will not like the result.
Why did your friend eat the burger?
Because he wanted to murder all burgers and was starting with this one!
Not really. He was just hungry.
Why did the elephant cross the road? It didn't see the cars.
What did the doctor say to the mother after delivering the baby? Sorry.
Where is Rex the dinosaur? In the ground.
Why can't a little girl fly? She doesn't have the proper motivation.
If the shoe doesn't fit, there's no evidence.
Jeff, did you hear they're making a film about Jimmy Savile? It’s a very touchy subject.
Yeah, I did, Gary, but did you hear the reviews on the Bill Cosby film? People said it was so boring it put them to sleep.
What's the difference between America and a flash drive?
One is USA, the other is USB. 😂😂😂
What's the difference between America and a flash drive?
One is USA and the other is USB! 😂😂😂
I asked my sister to get me a cup of fruit punch. I realized she was taking a bit so I walk to the kitchen and noticed that she spilled it on herself. I asked her, "How did you do that?" but there was no response.
So I went to the gym and I found a hymn.
My sister said the onion is the only vegetable that can make you cry...
So I threw a carrot at her.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman and falls in love with her.
Man: "Hey, cute lady!"
Woman: "Leave me alone, you ugly two-faced man! I already have a boyfriend."
Man: "Not for long!"
And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend.
Woman: "How dare you murder such a beautiful man!"
Man: "Now you shall be my girlfriend."
Woman: "Never."
And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before.
Man: "You look like a dream."
Woman: "Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder."
Man: "What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly women? Bleuch!"
Woman: "What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men?"
And then the man orders flowers and candy.
Bartender: "We don't serve flowers, or candy."
And the man shoots the bartender.
Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man and throws him out.