The jokes

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In other news, we are hearing of a nasty helicopter crash on the M4. Let's cross live to our eye-in-the-sky, Mark. Mark?

And to the parents of the lost boy named Timmy, we have found him, and now is your chance to make your escape. He really is a little shit, isn't he?

Roses are red, I am very cool, You, on the other hand, Need to drown yourself in a pool.

Give a man a potato, he is full for a day.

Give a man a poisoned potato, he'll be full for the rest of his life.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then the lethal dose would be a lifetime supply.

If you have an overdose on a drug and die, then half of the least dose would be a lifetime supply.

And the children of Israel wandered round the desert for 40 years, until eventually Moses' wife said, "Are you going to ask for directions, or what?"

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

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    • Would you mind just peeing into this cup, please? It's the one the annoying receptionist uses.

    It's getting near midnight, and I can already hear Big Ben. He's upstairs pumping the wife.

    One of my friends named Jill had a drug overdose.

    She didn’t have any of that drug after that. For the rest of her life, she acted very high. When she died, it was because of natural causes, not the drug. So this proves that a lethal dose is also a life time supply.

    And the winner of the Tour de France is awarded, as ever, with the yellow jersey.

    To remind him what color his piss is meant to be.

    I love it when your parents come round for Christmas. I just wish we couldn't hear them through the ceiling.

    Well, we've removed all of the excess fat from your body, and all that's left, I'm afraid, is the wig, Mrs. Trump.

    An emo and a leaf fall from a tree, which hits the ground first?

    The leaf, because the emo got caught by the rope.