The jokes
Robber 1: *gets shot in ass*
Robber 2: You have to shit in a bag for life lol.
Robber 1: What, the Tesco or Asda one?
A transgender woman with cancer of the tits only has to pay for half the operation.
My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
What's the difference between twin towers and McDonald's?
One had a drive thru and the other had a fly thru.
Why was the piano waiting at the front door?
Because it forgot which key to use!
Why did the cowboy put his bunk in the fireplace?
'Cause he wanted to sleep like a log!
That moment when you think the music is loud enough to fart and no one would notice, but then you realize that you have headphones on.
What did the bee say to the flower?
"Hey bud! When do you open?"
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog!
What did one ghost say to the other?
"Get a life!"
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Why is basketball such a messy sport?
'Cause the players are always dribbling everywhere!
My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni pizza and they got plain!
When the school shooter is about to leave the room, then the autistic kid says, "Goodbye!"
So there's a little girl playing hopscotch at the front of her house while her mother hangs up the washing and her father mows the lawn. She says, "Step on a crack and you break your mother's back." The father laughs, until his daughter steps on a crack resulting in her mother's back breaking.
The little girl's father looks in terror, she then says, "Step on a line and you break your father's spine." The father closes his eyes waiting for his spine to break, but nothing happens. When he opens his eyes again he sees that he is ok, and nothing has happened to him. Suddenly he hears someone yell out "OW MY SPINE!" The father runs around the corner to see the mailman laying on the floor.
Why did the farmer's wife chase the chickens out of the yard?
'Cause they were using fowl language!
We're skipping April Fools' Day this year. The biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country.
I had to share a table recently with a disabled man. When I asked him for the salt and pepper, he had to make two trips.
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didn’t see the home button.