The jokes
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
I'mma cashew outside!
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter's dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times? A Brazil nut.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I got arrested because I cremated a guy. They said the guy had been alive when I burned him. I mean, it's an early cremation—what's the difference?
So, there is this button. There's a 50% chance you get a million dollars. There's a 50% chance that you turn into a turtle. Make them press the button, and if they give the money, you just push the orphan over, take their money, and run away because who are they going to tell? Their parents?
A man sits in a bar and gets seriously drunk to the point where he vomits on his shirt. He panics.
The bartender asked, "What's wrong, sir?"
The man replies, "I got drunk and vomited, my wife will kill me."
The bartender says, "Put $20 in the shirt and say someone puked on you and they paid you for the wash."
So the man walks out with the $20 he put in his shirt pocket. The next day, the wife said, "Why is there vomit on your shirt?"
The man says, "Someone puked on me and gave me $20 bucks for the wash."
The wife pulls out the money. "There is $40," says the wife.
"Oh, he also peed on me and paid for the wash, too." The man walks away believing he didn't get caught by his wife.
Did you hear about the bisexual from Alabama? He can't decide whether to fuck his brother or his sister.
"Let it go, LET IT GO!" Blah blah blah whatever the rest of the song says dun dun blah blah blah my mom never bothered me anyway.
I'm bored 😴 so that's why I sang in my wonderful voice for a few seconds and wasted your time.
The bell rings, and Ana was about to leave, but the teacher said, "The bell doesn't dismiss you, I do."
The next day, Ana was late, and the teacher asked, "Why are you late?" Ana replied with, "The bell doesn't tell me when I should arrive, I do."
What's the difference between an apple and an orphan?
Apples get picked.