Newest Swearing Jokes - Page 2

What happens when a frog's car breaks down It gets toad away

i swear if i compared the size of your mother and multiplied it by the time your dad was gone, it wouldn't even be close to your hairline.

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!” Kid: “Whatever” Principal: Why did you have to swear” Because of that one demerit!” Kid; “Doesn't matter!” Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!” Kid: “Oh well!” Principle: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!” Kid: “Im try not to kill myself!”

Friend 1: did you? Depressed friend 2: I didn't! Friend one: swear on your life! Depressed friend 2: I swear A week later friend 2 dropped dead to their utter delight

So do you guys know those waterslides that you stand in, and then they suddenly drop you straight down onto the water slide? If not, look them up on YouTube, there's nothing like them.

Ah yes, the sweet memories of my first time on one of these. I feel that my mental/emotional scars have healed enough to tell this gem.

At the time my girlfriend, now Fiancée, worked as a photographer for one of those resorts with the indoor and outdoor water parks. One of her perks was that her and a family member/friend could get into the waterpark for free, so one hot summer day she had off and we both decided it'd be fun to go there and cool down for the day.

While we were there, I discovered one of there most "Thrilling" looking waterslides. Basically you stand in this tube, and then the slide operator presses a button and this slide drops you straight down a good 90 FEET, before you actually start going down the water slide. Me, being a thrill seeker, of course had to try it. So I made the great climb up to the top of the slide, stood in line, and finally it was my turn. Once I got in the tube, the operator told me to keep my legs crossed. Now I'm a pretty big heavy guy, so I was like "That's uncomfortable as fuck, I'm not doing that". So there I was standing in the tube, having a panic attack from anticipation, with my legs not crossed. The operator finally presses the button, the bottom opens and I fall straight down the water slide. Very quickly I realized why they have you cross your legs. Water shot so far up my ass, so fast, I swear I tasted it in my mouth. My body raced down that slide, as I questioned every life choice that I have ever made.

Once I made it to the bottom, I sat there for a moment, absolutely violated. I felt like someone in an episode of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit. I built up the courage to finally stand up, and all I could feel was the nice warm stream of water mixed with shit, and maybe a little bit of blood shoot out of my ass faster than the Steamboat Geyser at Yellowstone National Park. I quickly got off the slide and ran to the bathroom, with a trail of shitty water tailing me as the slide operator stared in awe. They had to shut down the slide for the rest of the day :'), but man was my asshole clean after that!

Moral of the story: Keep your damn legs crossed on waterslides.

Same thing goes when you are at bible study with a handsy priest.

My friend was getting bullied so I went over and asked him to stop, it went a little bit like this:

Me; dude, leave her alone. Him; beat it b*tch. *lots of arguing and swearing* Me; ya know! The smartest thing that ever came outta your mouth was probably a penis Him; *walks away*

SO WHO DID IT the i.s.s teacher said. 1 hour before So let me ge............ Random person wait what you BROKE UP WITH HER. Me I SWEAR JHONNY THIS IS THE 3RD TIME YOU BUD INTO MY CONVERSATION SO..... HERE........ YOU........... GO *punches*

Holy fucking shit Addison watersharky Gwen and all of you other cringelords I swear to god I I hear one more thing about “please be kind no bullying on the internet” I will actually shoot my local school. You may not know since you are only 8yrs old or whatever but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your “please be kind “messages to yourselves

The teacher was terrified to hear Little Johnny swear. “I never want you to use language like that again. Where on earth did you pick it up?” “From my father.” said Johnny. “Well, he should be ashamed of himself. And it’s no reason for you to talk like that. You don’t even know what it means.” “I do.” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...; “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!” The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no.” said the teacher terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'”

I'M GONNA FINALLY PUT A STOP TO THE FUCKING DRAMA. I saw people bullying other people for years, Gwen was not the only one. No longer will I put up with this. No longer will newcomers. For God's sake JUST DO JOKES! PLEASE! If you want to bully someone, do it in your family! You people don’t even know each other but we're still going through this same fucking shit every fucking day! JUST MAKE JOKES PEOPLE! That is why it’s called “Worst JOKES ever” not “Bully people FOREVER” SO SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET TO JOKING! JESUS! The only reason why I came here was to spread jokes and kindness like Gwen and others, not to spread HATE AND FOOLISHNESS FROM PEOPLE WHO DON’T EVEN KNOW BETTER THINGS TO DO BUT TO HATE ON STUPID STRANGERS FROM DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE FUCKING WORLD!!! “Addison, fuck off already, you're only 10 years old. What do you know?” I might be 10, but during my time here the tragedies and horror I've experienced on this website have shaped me into someone more mature, able to share this wisdom. And if you're gonna laugh at me, spit in the face of me and my generous teachings, you will fall. I swear to God, I will make you wish you could never feel pain. But that would hurt me more than you. Please. Stop the drama. That's all I ask. Together, we can make this website great again, like it once was.

If I get 50 likes on this I swear🦋

mom, what happens if you swear at a church? well honey a tee posing nun with glowing red eyes and numb chucks will beat you

I swear bro, this time I don't want any jokes on 9/11. Like people actually died like that shit is just plane wrong.💀

i swear everytime i walk past a guy they stare at my ass i always keep wondering why it hurts so much

What's worse than a dead baby? A pile of dead babies. What's worse than that? One's alive at the bottom. What's even worse than THAT? It eats it's way out. Wait it gets worse... It goes back for seconds. Just one more I swear... It fucks one of it's siblings at the bottom.

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination". I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

Little jonnie said to his mate i bet i can make you swear, his mate said goodluck, so jonnie told his mate that he slept with his sister, his mate yelled im gonna fucking kill you!