Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
The Pentagon is changing the nuclear codes to over 140 characters, ...
so Trump can't tweet it.
My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama is so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a job application.
Two horses are standing in a field. "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse," says the first.
"Moo!" says the second.
Why are colds such bad robbers?
Because they're so easy to catch.
Why are mountains so funny? -- Because they are hill areas.
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.
"How is your long distance relationship going?" -- "So far, so good."
I won the lottery for a million dollars today, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.
I now have $999,999.75.
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
9 out of 10 Americans are stupid... I'm so glad I'm in the 1%.
Three men are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. So, they throw a cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, "Holy shit, you're so drunk, you can't even walk!"
The drunk says, "No shit, that's why I took my car!"
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
"What does the word 'gay' mean?" asked a son of his father.
"It means 'happy'," replied the father.
"Oh," contested the son, "so you are gay then?"
"No, son, I have a wife."
Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? -- They're always eating out.
... and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.
