SOS jokes
Why do orphans go to church?
So at least they will have someone to call father.
One night, I saw a woman sitting behind a dumpster. So I took her home. We talked all the way there. When we got home, I gave her a bath. Later on, things started getting passionate. We started doing intercourse, and some of the noises she made you would have thought she was still alive!
Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Yo mama is so ugly, she makes the Flash stop dead in his tracks.
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with two squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight’s armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
My therapist told me that time heals all wounds. So I stabbed him, now we wait.
My wife thinks I'm immature, so I told her to get out of my fort.
Why is the USA so bad at chess?
Because they already lost two towers.
Why does a woodpecker have a beak?
So as to not smash his head against the tree.
An American goes on a British bus after being in war. He wants to sit down, so he goes to the back of the bus to sit down, but there is an old woman on the seat with her dog in the next one.
The man says, "Will you move your dog?"
The lady says, "Oh, you Americans are always so demanding," and she says to sit somewhere else. He goes through and finds no seats, so now he's at the back again. This time he throws the dog out the window and sits down.
The man in front says, "You Americans always do things wrong. First, you drive on the wrong side of the road, then hold you knife and fork wrong, and you threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...
Yo momma so fat, I took a picture of her 1 year ago, and it's still printing.
Why are orphans prostitutes?
So they can call someone "daddy."
My jokes are pretty "bone-arifick," if I say so myself. Hehhehe... Get it?
So 666-3629, so get it?
Why is Mercury so hot? I know, because the sun is killing Mercury.
Why is there A/C in hospitals?
So the vegetables stay nice and fresh.
God- make a grumpy old man president.
Angel- why?
G- cause I said so-name him Trump.
A- okay.
G- make him not pay taxes.
A- okay...
Fast forward to 2020
G- you know that grumpy old man?
A- yea...
G- make him create a deadly virus named after a beer.
A- Krona.
G- exactly.
A- why do you hate humans so much?
G- because I can.
Q. Why were the Twin Towers so mad?
A. Because they ordered pepperoni pizza, but they only got plane.