Monasticism jokes

Who is the only person time waits for? Nun.

Three nuns are talking, and the first nun says, "You would never believe what I discovered." Intrigued, the others signal her to continue. "I found a phone in the priest's room," said the first nun. "Oh, that's nothing," said the second one. "I found condoms in one of his drawers." said the second one. "What did you do with them?" said the first nun. Pridefully, the second nun responds with, "I poked holes in all of them." and the third nun says, "Oh sh*t...."

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.

"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.

"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head.

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.

"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."

What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A roamin' Catholic.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing, and kneeling. I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!