"Mixed vegetables is just special ed class, change my mind."
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Pizza.
Pizza who?
Never mind, it was so cheesy.
My friend wasn't open to the idea of me becoming a nudist.
I told him to stop being so clothes-minded.
Are you depression? 'Cause you're always on my mind~
Do you have dark humor?
Actually, never mind. I was going to tell you a joke about babies dying... but I decided to abort.
If someone calls you dirty minded just say:
"You are dirty minded as well if you understand what I'm saying."
What food makes you smart? Salt, because it's a mined food.
Are you suicide, 'cause you're always on my mind?
After I am dead during my funeral service, I want someone to play my favorite song by Boy George and Culture Club, "Church of the Poison Mind."
My and my penis never truly understood the words "Booby traps" until we met the ex-wife. God's gift of self-will was working fine until my penis went hard and my mind went blank, and God started laughing, and I swear I heard him say, "Booby trap" as he walked away! True story.
Have you heard the joke about the paper?
Never mind, it's tear-able.
911 help. Hello?
Never mind, forget it. You're so stupid 😡😡😡😡😏
My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette. Blew his mind.
JFK was one of the most open-minded presidents. It really blows my mind how great he was.
Chesley, in horror, runs out of the cockpit of the plane coming from London, "I'm so very sorry, everyone. I punched the wrong buttons, and we are heading to DC instead of New York, and we are about to run out of fuel." He opens the door and turns around to the five passengers and exclaimed, "I've parachutes but miscounted. We only got four for the passengers." He jumps off.
Donald faced the other four and orders:
"I'm the greatest leader of the world, and I'll make the decision. Tony, you go first. Our country needs you. The whole wide world needs you. Pandemic is raging."
Tony jumps off.
"Francis, my friend, you go next. Pandemic is ravaging the mind and body of millions. Their soul needs saving. Save Vladimir's and Xi's for me."
Francis jumps off.
Hillary faced Donald furiously. "Who are you to make decisions for us? I should have been president. I'm the smartest woman in the whole world in history."
Hillary jumps off.
Donald gazed at the young woman and started talking: "I'm an old man. I have already lived a full life - beautiful wives, children, just a beautiful life. Just beautiful. I've become president of the most powerful country, the most beautiful, the richest. Regrets? I've made a few but did it my way. Greta, go on. Your future is bright. I just wish I can make my country great again and have the chance to help save the world with you. I believe in second chances. Look at my bankruptcies, believe me. And I wish I've played more golf and..."
Greta interjected, "Just shut the f* up. The plane is about to crash. Let's go and save the world. The smartest woman in history took my backpack!"
Why were Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy very wise presidents?
They both had an open mind.
My dad came over late at night. He was drunk. He started telling me how useless I was. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and stabbed him in the chest 47 times.
Three minutes later, he died. Now I’m losing my mind and cutting myself.
I can tell you a pun about a pencil, oh! Never mind, it’s pointless.
How does Helen Keller say "dad?"
I don’t know, but you should ask her... wait, never mind, she can’t talk.
What's the difference between a UKIP voter and a shopping trolley?
Some shopping trolleys have minds of their own.
