Where did Suzy go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.
My family is like a treasure... You need a map and shovel to find them.
What do you take care of after a car crash? The witnesses.
A man gets kicked out of police camp after writing “Who’s that Pokémon?” next to all of the chalk outlines.
What do you do when you finish a magazine at a hospital? Reload and keep shooting.
“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing, except at a funeral.
I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer for the past two years, but no one would do it.
I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.
I was walking down the street one day and I passed the gun store. I walked in and everything was half off. I didn’t know back to school sales had started already.
Any joke can be funny with the right delivery, except abortion jokes, because there is no delivery.
How do you embarrass an archeologist? You give him a tampon and ask what period it’s from.
It's sad how families can be torn apart from something as simple as wild dogs.
“You’re da bomb!” “No, you’re da bomb!” In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I saw an Isis video and I got the theme stuck in my head. I was humming it the next day at work when my Arab co-worker said, “Soon, my brother.”
Women are like blackjack. I’m trying for 21, but I always hit 14.
Wanna hear some famous last words? “We are just experiencing some turbulence.”
What’s the difference between a baby and a baked potato? About 140 calories.
Would you like to try African food? They would too.
School shooting happens. Foreign exchange student: Sobbing under desk. American student: “First time?”
China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping up onions, which made me cry. Onions was a good dog. Asians
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident? An amputation.
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender. How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What is the difference between a truck full of bowling balls and a truck full of babies? You can’t unload a truck full of bowling balls with a pitch fork.
What does a cannibal call a pregnant woman? A kinder surprise egg.
What was the last thing to go through the heads of the 9/11 jumpers? Their ankles.
What do you call a drunk, depressed man that skydives? Splattered.
What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars? Children.
My nickname should be night light...because kids turn me on...
What’s the difference between an onion and a baby? Nobody cries when you cut up the baby.
My girlfriends last words: "I can’t wait to become a mom!"
How did Stephen Hawking die? He rolled too far away from the outlet on the wall.
My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my HIV test without studying.
What is the difference between a plane and a helicopter? A plane hits a building, but a helicopter hits the floor.
My dad’s the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it: how does my dad have younger brothers?
What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon? One smashes open when you hit it with a sledge hammer and the other is a watermelon.
How many babies does it take to paint a house? Depends on how hard you throw them.
Why do trees never call emo kids? The emos always hang up on them.
When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground? Nothing much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.
Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up? Shut up, Sam, you’ve got cancer!
What’s the difference between a man and a table? The table doesn’t cry when I break its legs.
I was hit on by president Kennedy. Too bad I shot him down.
Wanna hear something bad? A pile of dead babies. Wanna hear something worse? The one at the bottom is still alive. Wanna hear something worse than that? He has to eat his way out. Wanna hear something that’s the worst? He comes back for seconds.
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Hit your wife harder.
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? The trampoline doesn't cave in when I jump on it.
What’s the difference between fruit and dead babies? I don’t put fruit in a blender.
What’s the darkest point in the universe? The inside of a KFC.
What is the most difficult day in the ghetto? Father's Day.
How do Asians name their kids? They throw pots and pans down the stairs. (ching chong dong)
What do you call a white man in court? SUPERIOR!!!
A white guy was telling his friend about this girl he hooked up with. His friend asks, “Did you get her number?” He replies, “No, but it’s okay, I’ll see her at the next family reunion.”
What if Stephen Hawking was the real slim shady but couldn't stand up?
JFK did a good job spreading around on his final speech.
