another 10 jokes in 1!
11. A man is walking through the woods when he sees a bear charging at him. He books it, but he knows he can't outrun a bear for long, so he starts praying, "Dear Lord, I beseech thee. Please, o Lord, please let this bear be a Christian!" The bear catches up to him, knocks him down on the ground, then gets on its knees and says, "Dear Lord, thank you for this food I am about to receive..." 12. My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!! Man, that sentence was way too long. 13. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. A year later, there’s another knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What was that all about?” 14. One day Max went to see Carl. Carl had a big swollen nose. “Whoa, what happened, Carl?”, Max asked. “I sniffed a brose,” Carl replied. “What?”, Max said. “There’s no ‘b’ in rose!” Carl replied, “There was in this one!” 15. My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone. It's my way or the Huawei. 16. A guy asks a lawyer about his fees. “I charge $50 for three questions”, the lawyer says. “That’s awfully steep, isn’t it?”, the guy asks. “Yes, I suppose so”, the lawyer replies. “Now what’s your final question?” 17. For a high school dance, the head boy asked out the girl he liked. To get flowers for her, he had to stand in a line outside the florist for an hour. To make things worse, he had to wait another hour in a line outside the tuxedo shop. Finally, he goes to the dance with the girl. The girl wanted to have some apple punch so the boy went to get it, but to his surprise, there was no punch line. 18. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much." The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver — I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years." 19. Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks: "Tim, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs." Tim gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "For a minute there you were beginning to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!" "I wasn't," he replied. 20. Patient: "Doc, my bum hurts..." Doctor: "Where specifically does it hurt?" Patient: "Right around the entrance." Doctor: "Yeah well that's the exit. As long as you think it's an entrance, it'll continue to hurt."