Howe jokes
Johnny had 55 pineapples. He threw three at his friend. How many does he have now?
None, because he was pistol whipped then shot at point blank range with a sawed off shotgun covered in fluoroantimonic acid which burned a hole in his skull causing his brain to melt and rupture nerve cells all over his friends. Then his arms and legs were stuffed into a wheat thresher which was used to harvest the meat of the enslaved children. Then his corpse was molested.
Three women walk into a bar and start talking about how loose they are. One fits a sausage, another fits a cucumber, the third one slides down the barstool.
How do blondes play real-life Jenga?
By stacking humans.
Want to know how to keep an idiot in suspense???
How do you spot an English man in Quebec?
A square head.
I like my women how I like my wine.
Aged 9 years and lives in the basement.
Q: How heavy is a photon?
A: It's light!
How do you measure the circumference of Uranus?
By the rings around it.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
How do you know a gay guy has been in your house?
There are speedos in the microwave.
My friend asked me how fast my humor was, and I said it jumps borders. Then he asked how dark my humor is, and I said it picks cotton.
How would Steven Hawking's mom punish him as a kid?
Power off his chair.
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
How Steven Hawking died: because he moved too much during the day and ran out of juice.
How do you punish Helen Keller?
You leave the plunger in the toilet.
How bad is explosive diarrhea when a Muslim has it? Because my Chipotle blew up yesterday.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
You Poker Face.
Question: How bad is German WiFi?
Answer: It's the wurst.
Q: How do you know an Asian person was in your house?
A: Your homework is done, breakfast is made, and your cat is gone.