Hes jokes

Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home. As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump’s wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie. As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him.

The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him. Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn’t really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump’s friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump’s friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, “Aww, I’m lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!”

Why did the Roman eat pizza? He felt like it.

What did Eminem do when he couldn't get some of his mom's spaghetti?

Well, he didn't make it back to recovery this time...

There was this man, and he forgot about his wife's birthday. She was very upset and said that her present should come as fast as 1-200 by tomorrow. When she woke up, she saw a present in the bathroom. It was a scale.

Two people walk down the road. One says to the other, "Mitch, we passed Weight Watchers 2 minutes ago." He responds, "Jake, the noodle shop is just here. You've been carrying that sh*t on your head for 14 years!"

The boy ran into the gym, why?

Because he wanted to ketch-up with everyone. Also, he got pun-ishment from his "momster."

A pregnant woman enters the hospital with her concerned husband. As she goes into labor, a group of doctors asked him if he would like to try a device that transfers your spouse's pain to the father's nervous system.

He agrees and the doctors turn the dial on the device to 10%. Strangely, the man felt little pain. They continued to adjust the dial until it stopped at 100%, yet the man felt nothing. Later on, the wife had delivered the baby and the pair left the hospital with a healthy baby only to find the milkman laying on their stairs with a puddle of blood around his head, shaking uncontrollably.

Why did the Indian man eat a cow? Because he wanted to be fat.

Why did Mozart hate all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, “Bach, Bach, Bach.”

So little Johnny was walking to the bathroom, and he said, "Grandma," said, "why is the blood coming out of your ###😥 I need to call help."

Why did Anna give Carson a blowjob?

He made her.

The most famous line from Shakespeare’s play Julius Caesar is “Et tu, Brute?”

Why can’t he just speak plain English?

Who did Stephen call when he crashed?... The geek squad.

Did you hear about how that deaf man got a ticket?

It's ok, he didn't either!

If Stephen Hawking had a heart attack, would he go to hospital or Curry's PC World?

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

I needed a test on if I'm pregnant. Then the doc said, "Take your pants down." Then he put his penis in my vagina and said, "Now you are pregnant."

Why did the cow steal an AK-47?

He was a mooslim.

There once was a Mexican named Quan. He never talked about Dose. What happened to Dose?

Quan and Treis raped him. Once Quattro came out, they killed him. They were too poor to afford food, so they ended up eating Dose and Quattro.

Let me tell you a story.

There once was a bro who constantly choked on chodes.

He didn't want his bros to ever know that he constantly choked on chodes.

He lived in a dorm, and all day he watched porn, but still he would suck on some corn.

One day he would go to choke on some tasty chode, but his bros found out, gave him a shout, and kicked him out yelling that he broke the bro code.