Hes jokes

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!

Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!

Best friend makes joke about 9/11.

Me: My pop was a part of that!

Best friend: So sorry!

Me: My pop was the pilot of the plane, he flew through 89 floors.

I asked my dad what his previous job was. He said: "I was a post until I met your mother."

Why does Batman only wear black?

Because he's emo!

I was at my lecture at Oxford. Professor Albert Pessistein was leading the lecture, teaching us new equations. I asked where I can find a drink, due to my dying of thirst. He said, “big games my friend.”

He then proceeded to teach us, “The greater the Big games, the higher the Bottling!”

I was in my first space mission for NASA. As we were orbiting the asteroid belt, I saw a figure. I couldn’t tell who it was, but he spoke Spanish with an Argentinian accent. He said, “I’m looking for my freekicks and penalties, can you help me find them?” We then decided to aid him.

Stephen Hawking was in a house fire. When he got out, people called him "Hot Wheels."

Person 1: Wasn’t Stephen Hawking on X Factor?

Person 2: No, why would he be on X Factor?

Person 1: For dancing.

What does the dead man say to the other? He says, "Your daughter is pretty."

The other man says, "How do you know?"

The other man says, "Because she is dead."

Kobe played I Spy and he said, "I spy a mountain."

This whole string is really messed up. Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves. I just heard the audio recording of the crash and it said, "HE'S ON FIRE! BOOM SHAKALAKA!"

I bought my friend a rope for his birthday. He said it was the most violent book ever.

Why did the cucumber go to the doctor? Because he wasn't peeling well!

"Little John, she is fat." How? He said, "Like a pig."

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

I'm in school lol.

My teacher: Oliver will be transitioning.

Me: tRaNsItIoNiNg!!!!

My teacher: He will be transitioning from primary school to secondary school.

Me: I thought you meant another transitioning...

Why couldn't the orphan use his iPhone 6?

He couldn't find the home button.

Logic fire bars in Fortnite sped up to sound like he [is a] chipmunk like Alvin, Simon, and Theodore :)

Why can’t an orphan hit a home run? Because he doesn’t have a home.

Why is Stephen Hawking so square headed? Because he forgot to shut Minecraft down!